On saturday it seems that A miscarried the.. fetus? I guess. it was very sad and brief... but weve talked about it alot. Talking about things like do we want to try again? what would we do if the baby was probably going to have problems? or cause her problems? and how we feel.. and felt.
I was almost surprised at how sad A was about this. She hadnt shown me alot of excitement or emotion about the pregnancy... so her sadness was.. er. I don't know - I wasn't surprised, but at the same time I wasn't expecting it from her. She never cries and the most common emotion I see on her is anger.. so being sad told me that she was hiding her emotions from me... and probably herself as well. That hurts a little... but how honest am I with her? I'm not sure I can answer that question... since I know that I'm not honest with myself.
I felt what are probably the normal range of emotions for a selfish, maladjusted 35 year old confronted with an unexpected pregnancy - sadness, selfish joy, disappointment in myself, questioning of my relationship with A and also with a perspective offspring. whoa, I was almost a dad. Then I had the massive sense of loss of not having my dad around to share this with. So yeah.. I'm all kinds of messed up lately and really wish my doctor hadn't fucked up my insurance or that I had played a more active part in the process. But that's another story for another day and another blog.
Monday, January 21
Friday, January 18
Silence
Besides resubscribing to WoW, Ive got more news.
On Wednesday (1/16), A went and had some blood work done and in the afternoon we were notified that she was pregnant. An appointment was scheduled for next week and we were cautiously enthusiastic. Thursday morning came and she said that she had bled pretty badly while going to the bathroom and she figured that she had lost the baby. We were both aware how often people miscarriage and since she is 35 (and recently had surgery to remove fibroids) we knew that it would be more difficult than expected.
So, off to the doctors yesterday where she got a sonogram.. and we see the little smudge and the heartbeat going like mad... whoa. A is about 6 weeks pregnant!! but there is also a mass of blood in the uterus.. so we will be keeping the appointment for next week and remaining cautious in our optimism. I asked the doctor to let me know when I can worry less and just be excited.. but until that thumbs up, Im not saying anything and we are acting like nothing is happening. Well, except for the whole "no drinking" thing.
As for why Im blogging this on a dead blog? cause I want to make sure I get my thoughts down somewhere.. and this is quiet enough that no one should ever notice. Unless, of course, Mangoat is still subscribed to it and then he will see this. Heya Duder!
On Wednesday (1/16), A went and had some blood work done and in the afternoon we were notified that she was pregnant. An appointment was scheduled for next week and we were cautiously enthusiastic. Thursday morning came and she said that she had bled pretty badly while going to the bathroom and she figured that she had lost the baby. We were both aware how often people miscarriage and since she is 35 (and recently had surgery to remove fibroids) we knew that it would be more difficult than expected.
So, off to the doctors yesterday where she got a sonogram.. and we see the little smudge and the heartbeat going like mad... whoa. A is about 6 weeks pregnant!! but there is also a mass of blood in the uterus.. so we will be keeping the appointment for next week and remaining cautious in our optimism. I asked the doctor to let me know when I can worry less and just be excited.. but until that thumbs up, Im not saying anything and we are acting like nothing is happening. Well, except for the whole "no drinking" thing.
As for why Im blogging this on a dead blog? cause I want to make sure I get my thoughts down somewhere.. and this is quiet enough that no one should ever notice. Unless, of course, Mangoat is still subscribed to it and then he will see this. Heya Duder!
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