Gone and never forgotten

On saturday it seems that A miscarried the.. fetus? I guess. it was very sad and brief... but weve talked about it alot. Talking about things like do we want to try again? what would we do if the baby was probably going to have problems? or cause her problems? and how we feel.. and felt.

I was almost surprised at how sad A was about this. She hadnt shown me alot of excitement or emotion about the pregnancy... so her sadness was.. er. I don't know - I wasn't surprised, but at the same time I wasn't expecting it from her. She never cries and the most common emotion I see on her is anger.. so being sad told me that she was hiding her emotions from me... and probably herself as well. That hurts a little... but how honest am I with her? I'm not sure I can answer that question... since I know that I'm not honest with myself.

I felt what are probably the normal range of emotions for a selfish, maladjusted 35 year old confronted with an unexpected pregnancy - sadness, selfish joy, disappointment in myself, questioning of my relationship with A and also with a perspective offspring. whoa, I was almost a dad. Then I had the massive sense of loss of not having my dad around to share this with. So yeah.. I'm all kinds of messed up lately and really wish my doctor hadn't fucked up my insurance or that I had played a more active part in the process. But that's another story for another day and another blog.